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    五年級寫作技法:細寫”點中人,場面也火爆


    細寫“點”中人,場面也火暴

     

    馮秀蘭

     

        在生活中,各種場面隨處可見,比如競賽、春游、勞動,等等。在記敘這些活動時不可能對所有參加活動的人和事情一一進行描寫,要在“點”上詳寫。“點”就是參加活動的典型人和典型事;詳寫就是要寫出活動的重點項目,以及參加活動的人想了什么,做了什么,說了什么。只有把“面”和“點”巧妙地結合起來,條理清晰地進行描寫,才能鮮活地呈現出活動的精彩過程。在描寫時要突出主角,詳寫主要人物的語言、動作、神態等來豐富內容,讓人物突出,場面火爆。我們來看看《對決乒乓球》中的片段:

        外號“鬼難纏”的張琳當仁不讓,他發出了一個上旋中帶著左旋的“高射炮”,一下把劉欣給“炸”暈了。劉欣好不容易把球擋了回去,不料張琳又一記吊球,接二連三的進攻把劉欣累得是上氣不接下氣。終于輪到劉欣發球,他發出了一粒下旋中帶右旋的球,自以為張琳接不住,可以拿分了,卻不料被張琳給擋了回來,而且被擋回來的球帶著更大的旋轉,劉欣使出渾身解數好不容易接到了,但卻沒能回擊在對方的球臺上。這樣,由于大意,劉欣也被刷了下來。

        為了突出比賽的精彩程度,小作者細致地描寫了張琳和劉欣的精彩對決,用詞活潑,語言詼諧,寫出了雙方緊張激烈的對決。通過對“點”,即人物動作的刻畫,描寫出了同學們在體育課上進行乒乓球比賽時的激烈而精彩的場面,所選的情節有趣又讓人回味無窮。

        所以說,在刻畫場面的時候,不要忽視了對“點”這個細節的刻畫。只要把“點”觀察仔細,繪畫清晰,加上活潑的語言,同樣能讓場面變得火暴無比。

     

    內容具體顯智慧

     

     

        暑假,我和媽媽一起到高平市姥姥家度假。到那里的第二天,正好是星期天,舅媽便帶我們去羊頭山下游覽“神農”。

        由于游人太多,我和媽媽、舅媽走散了。咳!真是出師不利,我該怎么辦呢?這么多人,我到哪里去找啊!我撥媽媽的電話,但沒有撥通。有一位阿姨還熱情地要帶我到幾個重要景點去找,可是我沒去。最后,我走向了警察,向他們求助。

        一會兒,旅游點的廣播響了起來……我終于找到了媽媽、舅媽。

     

        上文雖然寫了事情的經過,也比較有條理,但讀過之后,總覺得具體情況寫得不詳細,在找媽媽的過程中遇到的各種波折沒寫清楚,如:究竟單獨找了沒有?媽媽的電話為什么沒有撥通?為什么沒有跟著阿姨去找?是怎樣向民警求救的?等等。這些情況都是讀者迫切想知道的,都應該細致地寫出來。

     

        等了好長時間,仍然不見媽媽和舅媽。這時,我看到了路邊的公用電話亭。我不知道舅媽的電話,只好打給媽媽。“對不起,您撥打的電話已關機。”唉!媽媽呀,難怪爸爸常常說您是個“馬大哈”呢,怎么在這關鍵時刻手機沒電了呢!(根據生活經驗推理,很有依據。)

        我放下電話,無助地看看四周,急得快要哭了。這時,一位阿姨關切地問我:“小朋友,怎么啦?”我看她一臉親切的樣子,便把和媽媽走散的事告訴了她。阿姨接著問:“她們說過要到哪些景點去嗎?”可我根本說不出來什么景點的名稱(描寫真實),一急,竟哭了起來。阿姨連忙安慰我說:“別哭,別哭,我帶你到幾個她們可能去的景點找一找,好嗎?”“跟您走?”我又不認識她,還不知道她把我帶到什么地方呢!(心理描寫,表現出高度的警惕性。)我疑惑地望著她,哭聲也止住了。阿姨大概看出了我的懷疑,不再堅持領我去找了,她指指十字路口的崗亭說:“警察你該相信吧!”(語言描寫恰倒好處。這位阿姨言語不多,但讓“我”感到踏實。)于是,我走到了崗亭前,向警察叔叔說明了情況,請求幫助。

        修改后的片段寫得細致多了。和大人走散了,面對復雜的處境,小作者能電話尋人、警惕受騙、求助民警。特別是警惕受騙、保護自己這一情節寫得很真實,小小年紀,就能如此機智地應對,實在令人佩服!

     

    習作訓練基地

     

        題目:

        媽媽夸我真

        要求:(1)把題目補充完整;(2)通過一件事寫出媽媽夸“我”的原因,把事情寫清楚,寫具體;(3)字數450字左右。

        我們可以在橫線上填寫“聰明”“能干”“熱心”“懂事”“有禮貌”等詞語。橫線上所填的詞語,就是對我們習作選材的限制,也就是說,我們所選擇的作文題材,一定要緊扣并體現所填的這個詞語,我們要圍繞這個詞語展開敘事。習作要求寫一件事,那我們就只能通過對一件事的敘述、描寫,充分體現出媽媽為什么會夸“我”。要注意把事情寫完整,寫具體,盡量做到有詳有略。還要適當地寫一寫媽媽夸“我”時的語言、神態等,還可以寫一寫自己被夸獎后的心理感受。

     

    鮮活動作成就人物

     

        暑假的一天,我起了個大早。只聽見一陣輕微的“沙沙”聲,我把門輕輕地打開。透過門縫,隱隱約約看見有個人正在掃樓道。這人頭上戴著一個黃帽子,戴著口罩,肩上搭著一條毛巾,彎著腰,手拿一把掃帚,一下一下地掃著樓道。掃完后,又拿來一塊抹布,用水浸透后,再擰干,又接著彎下腰,仔細地擦著欄桿。過了一會兒,他直起了腰,用手捶著后背,又雙手叉腰,把屁股左扭扭右扭扭,然后又接著干了起來。這下我終于看清了,是鄰家哥哥!要知道他一向可是鄰家夫婦的寶貝疙瘩。我也是樓道一員,這樣的事我也該做啊!

        短文通過“鄰家哥哥”一系列的細小的動作,為我們展示出了一位新時期的“小雷鋒”形象。雖然打掃樓道衛生不是什么驚天動地的事情,但讀了以后仍然讓我們看到了一個可愛而富有愛心的少年形象。這要歸功于作者抓住了人物的細微動作,“戴”“彎”“拿”“掃”“擰”“抬”“捶”“叉”“扭”,這一系列動作把“鄰家哥哥”打掃樓道的情景真實地再現在我們面前。沒有華麗的詞語,沒有精彩紛呈的句子,就是把自己觀察到的情景一五一十地描寫出來,這就是動作描寫之美。

        所以說,在大家寫作文時,要注意抓住人物的動作來刻畫,這樣就會使人物形象更加真實、精彩。

                                                                         〔李 明〕

     

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