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    四年級寫作技法:“不服老”的語言


    “不服老”的語言

     

       對于寫人這類作文,同學們往往用事件描述來表現人物的性格,反而忽視了人物語言的描寫,如:

       爺爺今年60了,但他從不服老。看到我在學英語,爺爺也要學。不管奶奶怎么勸說,爺爺都堅持要學。“好吧,先學一個簡單的詞‘go’,是‘去’的意思,注意我的口型和發音。”爺爺只讀了兩遍就會了,還不忘在奶奶面前夸耀自己一番。工夫不負有心人,爺爺憑著一股不服老、不服輸的勁頭,還真學了不少英語單詞呢!

        小作者選取了爺爺學英語這一事例來表現爺爺“不服老”的特點。可是,爺爺這個人物形象并沒有給我們留下什么深刻印象,為什么呢?因為小作者把爺爺的語言給丟了。在原作基礎上,我們加上一些語言描寫看看:

        爺爺今年60了,但他從不服老。看到我在學英語,爺爺說:“乖孫子,你說爺爺老嗎?”“當然不老,爺爺您還年輕著呢!”“那好,你就教爺爺學英語吧。”一旁的奶奶聽見了,連忙說:“老伴,也不看看你多大歲數了,還學英語。”不管奶奶怎么勸說,爺爺都堅持要學。“好吧,先學一個簡單的詞‘go’,是‘去’的意思,注意我的口型和發音。”爺爺只讀了兩遍就會了,還不忘在奶奶面前夸耀自己一番:“老伴,看我給你說一個,去是gogogo,說得還不錯吧,咱還年輕著呢!”“那‘來’又怎么說呢?趕快教給我,乖孫子。”爺爺已經迫不及待了。看著爺爺認真學習的樣子,我和奶奶都笑了。工夫不負有心人,爺爺憑著一股不服老、不服輸的勁頭,還真學了不少英語單詞呢!

        人物的語言描寫,展現了人物的個性特征。修改后的片段,爺爺那風趣幽默的語言讓讀者真切地感受到了爺爺的“不服老”,例如:“乖孫子,你說爺爺老嗎?”“去是gogogo,說得還不錯吧,咱還年輕著呢!”……這些有趣的語言,讓爺爺那年輕的心態表露無疑,也使得作文內容更加生動有趣。

     

     

    作文百美

     

    愛干凈的奶奶

     

        奶奶是一個特別愛干凈的人。一次,小表弟沒脫鞋就爬到了床上,奶奶看到后,趕忙大聲喊道:“哎呀,我的小祖宗,你怎么不脫鞋就上床,趕快下來!”奶奶邊說邊要趕小表弟下床。看到奶奶生氣了,小表弟就乖乖地從床下下來,跑出去玩了。奶奶趕緊把床單掃了又掃,整了又整,看了又看,還不滿意,奶奶干脆把床單抽了下來,放進水盆里,不停地擦肥皂,一個勁地用手揉搓。洗完后,奶奶又把床單涮了一遍又一遍,看到床單干干凈凈了,奶奶這才把床單晾到了繩子上。

     美點透視

        本文段中,小作者主要通過動作和語言的描寫來表現奶奶愛干凈的特點。“哎呀,我的小祖宗,你怎么不脫鞋就上床,趕快下來!”簡單的一句話,就把奶奶愛干凈的特點表現了出來。“掃”“整”“看”“抽”“放”“擦”“揉搓”“涮”幾個動詞的連用,讓奶奶愛干凈的特點再次淋漓盡致地呈現在讀者面前。奶奶的確是一個愛干凈的人啊!

     

     

     

    讀寫手牽手

     

    可愛有趣的旦旦

     

    精彩點擊

     

        1)旦旦很貪玩,幾乎沒有片刻的安靜,即使吃飯,仍然是手不閑腳亦不停。這時候,我便哄他說,你不好好吃飯,屁股上都沒肉啦!順手還捏一捏他的小屁股,再鼓勵一番,好好吃肉,屁股上就長肉啦。他便真聽了話,張口接住他媽媽遞到嘴邊的一塊肉,剛嚼了兩下,估計還未嚼碎,便急忙咽下,跑過來,背過身,撅起小屁股:“爺爺,你再摸一下,看看長肉了沒有?”在一家人的哄笑聲中,我只好將錯就錯:“長了,長了!再吃,再長!”我亦忍不住笑,這才叫立竿見影!(節選自陳忠實《旦旦記趣》)

        2)旦旦很貪玩,即使吃飯,仍然是手不閑腳亦不停。我便哄他說,你不好好吃飯,屁股上都沒肉啦!他便真聽了話,吃了一塊肉,嚼了兩下,便讓我看看長肉了沒有。我只好將錯就錯:“長了,長了!再吃,再長!”我亦忍不住笑,這才叫立竿見影!

     

    由你點評

     

        讀了這兩段文字,你覺得旦旦是個怎樣的孩子?。通過對比,我們會發現文段(1)比文段(2)增添了對人物的描寫和描寫。

     

    溫馨提示 

     

        在人物描寫時,為了突出人物的特點,使人物形象更加鮮活,我們可以運用一些描寫方法,比如語言描寫、動作描寫等。文段(1)在描寫旦旦時,通過“接”“嚼”“咽”“跑”“背”“撅”等一連串的動詞,把旦旦可愛的特點表現得生動有趣;而旦旦的語言,也表現了他童真童趣的一面。運用這些描寫方法刻畫出來的人物,讓人印象深刻。

     

    妙筆生花

     

        班上的每個同學都有自己的特點,請選擇一個同學,通過對他(她)外貌、語言、動作等方面的描寫,寫出他(她)的特點。寫完后,讀給同學們聽,如果同學們能猜出你寫的是誰,那你的作文就成功了!

     

    思路點撥

     

        這次習作是要求寫一個印象深刻的人,可以是身邊熟悉的人,也可以是偶然見到的陌生人,要注意運用一些寫人的方法,寫出人物某一方面的特點。

        什么樣的人能給我們留下深刻的印象呢?

        在我們身邊一定有很多非常熟悉的人,比如父母、爺爺、外婆、老師等,那就快來寫一寫他們吧。比如,爸爸對你嚴愛有加。

        在我們身邊有朝夕相處的小伙伴,他們做過哪些讓你深受感動的事呢?這是很好的作文素材,回想一下寫下來。比如,小明不怕臟、不怕累,去打掃廁所衛生。

        在我們身邊或周圍也有一些“奇人”,他們具有高超、出眾的才藝,看了他們的表演后,你是不是仍記憶猶新?寫一寫這些“奇人”吧!比如,張大姐抖空竹,動作嫻熟,花樣眾多,令觀者眼花繚亂。

        生活中有很多給我們留下深刻印象的人,同學們,趕快把他們寫出來吧!

     

     

     

    延伸訓練基地

     

        題目:

        1.我最敬佩的一個人

       2.那人,讓我難忘

        要求:抓住人物特征,運用描寫方法,把這個人寫“活”,表達出自己的真情實感。

     

     

        1題,明確題目,抓住題眼“敬佩”來寫,事為人服務,敘事時,要運用一些寫人的方法來表現人物高尚的品質,點明自己的敬佩之情。第2題,要抓住題眼“難忘”來寫,運用人物描寫方法,在結合生動的事例,把人物的特點突出表現出來,達到讓人難忘的目的。

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